Dear _________ (lead presenter of trusted news outlet)
I intend to murder __________ (insert public figure)
On ___________ (national holiday)
Because he/she:
a) taunts me with his/her clammy gurning slap-baiter
b) is, in reality, fifty fieldmice in a human suit
c) gave me VD
d) all of the above (delete as appropriate)
I will do so via:
a) an RPG fired off the back of a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
b) a poisoned milkshake delivered by children
c) disclosing existential truths so depressing he/she commits suicide
d) all of the above (delete as appropriate)
Yours sincerely, ____________ (name beginning with 'H')
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